The show begins.
Tina: "Good evening and welcome you bunch of despicable, spoiled, minimally-talented brats."
Amy: "We are so happy to be here hosting the 72nd -- and final -- Golden Globe Awards."
Tina: "Tonight we celebrate all the television shows that we know and love, as well as all the movies that North Korea was OK with."
On to all the stars in the crowd, including Oprah Winfrey (who has put a cranberry candle under all of the seats), and Reese Witherspoon ("she did all of her own walking, so brave -- and Andy Serkis was great as her backpack").
Amy Adams from the movie "Big Eyes" is there, and in fact one of the paintings is in the audience -- cut to Emma Stone.
"It's creepy, the eyes do follow you," Amy says as Emma har-hars in the audience.
Patricia Arquette in "Boyhood" proves that "there are still great roles for women over 40- as long as you get hired when you're under 40," Amy concludes.
Joaquin Phoenix is nominated for "Inherent Vice," but of course, Tina notes, he's not there because he's said that award shows are "complete and utter bull--- oh, hi, Joaquin!" (He waves.)
Steve Carell stretched to play a "paranoid, murderous billionaire" in "Foxcatcher" because in real life he's a "paranoid, murderous millionaire," Amy says.
His make-up and hair for the movie took two hours each day, and for comparison Tina notes that it took her three hours today to prepare for her role as "human woman."
Jennifer Aniston starring in "Cake" leads Amy to explain for all the Hollywood people in the room that "cake is like a fluffy dessert that people eat on their birthdays."
Adds Tina: "And birthdays are like a thing people celebrate when they admit that they have aged."
George Clooney married Amal Amaluddin this year. "Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an adviser to Kofi Anan regarding Syria and was selected for a three person UN commission regarding war violations in the Gaza Strip. So tonight her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award," Tina says to one of the biggest laughs of the night.
Since it's the last time they're hosting, and they have no overlapping taste in men, they want to play one of their favorite games "Would you rather?"
Colin Farrell or Colin Firth? Amy takes Farrell. Tina: "Firth, for a polite amount of time."
Ed Norton or Mark Ruffalo. Amy takes Mark, "because everyone knows I like it Ruffalo."
Chris Pine or -- "Chris Pine!" Tina interrupts.
Richard Linklater or Alejandro Inarritu? Amy takes Inarritu: "One take, two hours straight, no stopping.
Tina: "Linklater, five minutes once a year."
On to the nominated movies. "The Theory of Everything, wonderful movie. It combines two things that audiences love: a crippling nerve disease and super complicated math," Amy summarizes.
"The movie 'Selma' is about the American Civil Rights movement that totally worked and now everything's fine," Tina says.
In "Into the Woods," Cinderella runs from her prince, Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby," Amy says. Big gasp, some "oohs," and some definite cheers (while Jessica Chastain does a horrified face at the first table). Tiny and Amy pile on with Bill Cosby impressions about "putting the pills in the people." They don't care.
Finally, they wrap up with a call and response cheer. When they say movies, the audience says "awesome!" When they say TV the audience says "better!"
They take a show of hands for the first presenter and Benedict Cumberbatch comes up to present with Jennifer Aniston.
They step over each other's lines for a few moments getting to Best Supporting Actor in a movie. The Golden Globe goes to JK Simmons for "Whiplash."
"I think I only have 45 seconds, shut up," he begins to the applauding audience. He thanks his director and then costar Miles Keller, "a young actor of such maturity and brilliance that he inspired me every day to want to scream at him and hit him in the face." Finally he thanks his wife for their "adorable, above-average children."
Up next Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson for Best Supporting Actress in a TV mini-series or movie get right to it and the award goes to Joanne Froggatt for "Downton Abbey."
She calls it one of the most shocking moments of her life. Then acknowledges the storyline she portrayed, including as a victim of rape. She mentions a letter she received from an abuse survivor who said she was writing because she wanted to be heard. She tells the woman that she hopes that by saying this publicly, she feels like the world hears her.
Jennifer Lopez and Jeremy Renner present Best Mini-Series or movie made for TV. (A voice over recaps the plots of the nominated projects.) The Globe goes to "Fargo."
Creator Noah Hawley thanks his wife and Joel and Ethan Coen for creating the original "Fargo" world. He also thanks FX for letting him go "full Coen," which sounds like a fun thing to try sometime.
Up next, after super brief, joke-free intro, is Best Actor for Mini-series or movie made for TV. Jeremy Renner suggests J-Lo open the envelope. "I have the nails," she says.
"You got the globes, too," he ad libs of her low-cut dress. Hi-oh!
The award goes to Billy Bob Thornton for "Fargo."
"These days you get in a lot of trouble no matter what you say....I know this for a fact. So I'm just going to say 'thank you,'" Thornton says.
Next up Naomi Watts to introduce scenes from her movie "Birdman."
When we return, Tina and Amy are back to introduce the newest member of the HFPA, from the North Korean magazine "Movies Wow."
Cut to Margaret Cho in the audience in a military outfit and stone face, holding a copy of her magazine. They set her up to take a picture with Meryl Streep, which Michael Keaton shoots with his cell phone. "Thank you everyone, you're all great Americans," Amy says.
Next the actual president of the HFPA Theo Kingma, who talks about the importance of freedom of expression. "Together we will stand united against anyone who would oppress free speech, from North Korea to Paris," he says, to a standing ovation.
Out next is Colin Forth to introduce "The Imitation Game," a movie he says he would have liked to be in but he was told years ago that they were waiting for Benedict Cumberbatch to be born.
Then Kerry Washington and Bryan Cranston to introduce Best Actress in a TV comedy. The Globe goes to Gina Rodriguez for "Jane the Virgin," on The CW.
"Thank you god for making me an artist," she says, before name-checking network people. She thanks her family and then says the award is bigger than herself. "It represents a culture who wants to see themselves as heroes."
Then best comedy TV series, which goes to "Transparent" on Amazon Instant Video.
Executive Producer Jill Soloway thanks her show family and dedicates the award to transgender teen Leelah Alcorn and "too many transpeople who die too young." She also acknowledges her trans-parent at home and says she hopes they'll be able to teach the world something about authenticity and love.
Out next, Melissa McCarthy (who, yes, looks great) to introduce her movie "St. Vincent" which she says "maybe lets you look at people with a little less judgment."
Then Sienna Miller and Vince Vaughn to introduce the nominees for best original score for a movie. The winner is Johann Johannson for "The Theory of Everything". (The voice over tells us he's one of the leading musical figures in his home country of Iceland.)
Then Prince walks out. Prince!! (Louis C.K. can be seeing doing a wolf whistle in the crowd.) Oh, and Prince is carrying a cane and wearing platforms, because he's Prince, so shut up.
He introduces best original song in a movie. The Globe goes to ("but of course," Prince says): "Glory" from "Selma" by John Legend and Common.
Common talks about the feeling on the set. "I began to feel like this was bigger than a movie. As I got to know the people of the Civil Rights Movement, I realized I am the hopeful black woman who was denied the right to vote. I am the caring white supporter, killed on the front lines of freedom. I am the unarmed black kid who maybe needed a hand, but instead was given a bullet. I am the two fallen police officers, murdered in the line of duty. 'Selma' has awakened my humanity and I thank you, Ava (DuVerney)....Oprah, for what you do for the people from the past and creating for the future. We look to the future and we want to create a better world. 'Selma' is now."
Then John Legend says some stuff. (It's nice, but it's no Common.)
Out next, Katie Holmes and Seth Meyers, mentioning that the "non-winners" will get a certificate for the breakfast buffet, valid with a three night stay, but not redeemable on weekends or holidays. Winners are reminded it's not for them. A few years ago Daniel Day-Lewis won and made a big scene when he couldn't get free food. They move on to the nominees for supporting actor in a TV series or miniseries.
The Globe goes to: Matt Bomer for "The Normal Heart" (although Katie says his name like "Bomber".)
He thanks Mark Ruffalo for being "the best actor anybody could hope to have as a scene partner and I thank you for providing the heart and soul of this movie." He also thanks his husband and three kids for putting up with him when he was "130 pounds and really grumpy when you ate pizza in front of me."
Clive Owen is out next to introduce best picture nominee "The Theory of Everything."
Then it's time for some Ricky Gervais (with Fosters in a wine glass?). "It's going well, isn't it? Let's not ruin it by me saying...anything, really. No one wants to see me insult any of you beautiful, rich, over-privileged celebrities. No ordinary people want to see that, because you're better than ordinary people. And you know it and they know it, deep down. So I'm not going to start picking on things you've done, some of it immoral, a lot of it illegal. But if we've learned one thing, it's that famous people are above the law - as it should be. I won't go into the terrible things you've done to get here tonight. Streep. Clooney. I'm not even looking at Katie Holmes. So let's get on with it before I say something insulting."
Then he segues to Best Actress for a movie, which includes Quvenzhané Wallis for "Annie." Before announcing the winner, Ricky takes a moment. "I've been practicing saying that last name so I don't have a John Travolta moment...I still watch that everyday on YouTube, it's just brilliant." (Adele Nazeem everyone!)
Amy Adams wins for "Big Eyes."
"To say that I am under-prepared for this moment is a huge understatement, I didn't even reapply lip gloss," she says before saying how grateful she is to all the women in the room for acting as role models for her daughter, making it sound like her four-year-old daughter watches an awful lot of adult TV.
Kevin Hart presents with Salma Hayek, and asks for a round of applause for how good she looks before plugging his movie. They introduce Miss Golden Globe, Greer Grammer (daughter of Kelsey).
"The artists in this next category tell their compelling stories through computer clicks, brush stores and imaginations fueled by weed," Hart says, although he rushes the punch line and no one seems to hear it except the crickets.
Then Salma begins "No marijuana - no matter what the inspiration, their brilliance is beyond compare."
The category is best animated feature film. They argue over who's going to read the card before Kevin blurts out "How to Train Your Dragon 2."
Then Kate Hudson introduces best picture nominee "Into the Woods."
Jared Leto is out next to present, but first sends his thoughts to the people of France. He introduces Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. The Globe goes to Patricia Arquette for "Boyhood."
She has notes, but departs to thank Meryl Streep for giving her a hug, "I hope your DNA transferred to me." She thanks director Richard Linklater for letting her be part of something so human and groundbreaking in cinema. Finally, she thanks her own parents for inspiring her on the movie and also her siblings and kids.
Amy and Tina return with the North Korean (Margaret Cho), who is not enjoying the show due to the lack of a thousand babies playing guitar at the same time and Dennis Rodman. "Also, I think that 'Orange is the New Black' should be in the drama category. It's funny, but not 'ha ha' funny. Also Piper and Alex's relationship is very toxic."
Up next, Kristen Wiig and Bill Hader to present best screenplay. Kristen notes some of the famous movie lines we wouldn't have without screenwriters, like in ET when he points to the sky and says "kids, I gotta get back to my planet."
Or who could forget that famous line in Titantic when the boat is sinking and Leonardo DiCaprio is like "guys, guys, guys, guys - relax!"
Or in Terminator, when Arnold Schwarzenegger says "Which way is the Beverly Center?"
Or "The Godfather" when Robert DeNiro is like: "Who's that in my driveway, I gotta get into the city."
Hader's favorite is in Jaws when the guy asks if the beach is open and Roy Schieder famously says: "Not today!"
On to the award, which goes to the writers of "Birdman."
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu talks about the collaborative process and then gives gives credit to his cast.
Jack Black is out next to introduce "Boyhood" by his good friend Richard Linklater, but notes that it didn't take 12 years to make, it took 12 weeks, spread out.
Then Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin, stars of the new Netflix series "Grace and Frankie". Lily notes that she predicted 35 years ago that the show would happen, describing how she picked up a rotary phone and said some day people will be able to watch shows on this. "Wow, I thought you were just high that day," Jane says.
"Well, two things can be true," Lily says.
They're presenting Best Actor in a TV comedy, and take a moment to sarcastically appreciate that men are finally being recognized for comedy. The winner is Jeffrey Tambor for "Transparent."
"This is much bigger than me," he begins. He thanks the show's creator Jill Soloway for changing his life and his cast. He thanks Amazon "his new best friend."
Finally, he dedicates his performance and the award to the transgender community.
Lupita Nyongo and Colin Farrell are out to present best foreign language film. The Globe goes to "Leviathan" from Russia.The directors speak to the universality of a story about man who comes face to face with an indifferent system.
Adrian Brody and Kate Beckinsale introduce best actress in a mini-series or TV movie. The winner is Maggie Gyllenhaal (whose date is her brother Jake, aww). She mentions the prevailing notion that there are more roles for powerful women, saying that she sees a wide range and that we're really just seeing more roles for "actual women" in TV and film, which "turns her on".
(Several of her fellow nominees are fanning themselves with programs, and Maggie isn't the first winner who seems to have a sheen of sweat. Beautiful Hollywood sweat, but still, sweat.)
Tina and Amy are out next (after a costume change) to introduce Adam Levine and Paul Rudd (who introduces himself as Levine's "Voice" costar Blake Shelton).
They present best TV series, drama to "The Affair" on Showtime. (Catherine Zeta-Jones is waiting in the wings and is forced to give awkward proximity congratulations to some of the cast and crew, and some ignore her completely.)
Creator Sarah Treem thanks Showtime and her cast, then, as the music starts to play, the cast of her show about the affects of adultery starts shouting at her to be sure to thank her husband. "If I have learned anything about writing a show about an affair it's how sacred and valuable and essential our marriages are," she says.
Then Catherine Zeta-Jones gets to leave the wings to introduce best picture nominee "Pride" (which takes place in her home of Wales).
David Duchovy and Katherine Heigl are up next to introduce best actor in a TV drama, which goes to Kevin Spacey for "House of Cards".
"This is just the beginning of my revenge," Spacey deadpans. Then he notes: "This is the eighth time I've been nominated."
The next thing he says is fully edited out, but it appears to be "I can't f------ believe I won."
Then he gets serious and tells a story about seeing director Stanley Kramer and telling him what his movies meant to him. And Kramer said "Thank you so much for saying that...I just wish my films could have been better."
Spacey concludes by saying he's had an extraordinary career, but he just wants to be better. "But this is very encouraging," he says.
Then Julianna Marguiles and Don Cheadle are there to present the Cecil B. DeMille Award to George Clooney. Julianna notes George is a "great friend" and Don corrects her. "I think you mean a great friend of mine and a work colleague of yours," he says, noting they were in Ocean's 11, 12 and 13 together.
"Who wasn't?" Julianna says. She and George were in more than 100 episodes of "ER" together "and I kissed him."
"Who hasn't?" Don says.
Julianna asks if George has ever asked him to tour the scene of a disaster with him. "Yea, I went to the set of 'Monument's Men.' (I did not write that, we'll talk later.)"
Then they talk about how real he is in everything he does and that he's been nominated in more categories than anyone.
We see a package of clips of a lot of his work, including most of his movies, ER, and even South Park.
George Clooney takes the stage (with a "Je Suis Charlie" button and perhaps a little Clooney sheen), saying how nice it has been to see Don and "Jules" grown and mature over their careers. He mentions how nice it is to get together at awards shows, and "now that everyone's been hacked it's also a good time to meet face to face and apologize for all the snarky things we said about each other, (turns to Cheadle), I'm sorry, Don."
Then he talks about what it's like to lose at the Golden Globes and that at the after parties, no one will look you in the eye. He reminds everyone that if they're in the room, they've caught the brass ring.
He drives home the point. He doesn't know what awards Lauren Bacall won, but he remembers her asking Bogie: "You know how to whistle, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow."
Likewise for Robin Williams, he remembers him urging the "Dead Poet's Society" to carpe diem.
"It's a humbling thing when you find someone to love, even better when you've been waiting your whole life....Amal, whatever alchemy it is that brought us together, I couldn't be more proud to be your husband."
Then he references the marches around the world following the "Charlie Hebdo" attacks and that they marched to show we won't walk in fear. He wraps up with "Je Suis Charlie."
Luke Wilson is next to present best picture nominee "The Grand Budapest Hotel".
Then Harrison Ford is next for best director for a movie. Without fanfare, the Globe goes to Richard Linklater for "Boyhood".
He thanks his parents for their love and support and dedicates the award to families everywhere.
Anna Faris and Chris Pratt are up next. Anna begins by noting they have a mixed marriage. She's CBS, he's NBC. "But we plan to raise our children HBO," Chris says.
"Honey, we said we'd let them decide when they grow up," she says.
"Not right now. Take your own helicopter home," he says.
They present best actress in a TV drama. The award goes to Ruth Wilson for "The Affair".
She remembers being nominated for a Golden Globe the year of the writer's strike and watching herself lose in a hotel, which was more than a little disappointing. She thanks the creators and cast, noting to Dominic West that his rear is "a thing of beauty." Finally, she thanks her parents.
Amy Adams is back out to present best actor in a movie comedy. The Golden Globe goes to Michael Keaton for "Birdman".
He has Amy hold his award while he grips his notes. (He, too, is a little shiny.)
He addresses his director, Alejandro Inarritu: "There is not a person in this room who won't show up for your next gig, my brother."
He introduces himself as Michael John Douglas, the seventh of seven children and notes that when his mother wasn't busy praying the rosary, she was volunteering in the hospital where he was later born in the hallway. He gets choked up noting his son is his best friend. Then he chastises himself for doing the two things he said he wouldn't do: cry or use air quotes. As the music begins to play, he repeatedly notes how grateful he is.
Tina and Amy are out next to introduce the powerhouse who only goes by one name: Winfrey.
Oprah is there to introduce best picture nominee "Selma." (Stedman and Gayle are there.)
She's followed by Channing Tatum, introducing the next nominee "Foxcatcher."
Then it's Robert Downey Jr. time! He's there to present best picture, musical or comedy. If he had a bit, it's cut for time. The Globe goes to "The Grand Budapest Hotel."
Wes Anderson rapidfire reads the names of people to thank, including producers and cast. Then he chooses instead to focus on the members of the HFPA and reads a series of foreign names, to laughter.
Matthew McConnaughey jogs out, noting that the show is running long, and just gets right to reading the names of the women nominated for best actress in a movie. The Globe goes to Julianne Moore for "Still Alice".
Her mother always told her that the key to happiness was to have work and love. She thanks her director for one and her family for the other.
Then Gwyneth Paltrow is out next to get right to best actor in a movie drama. Eddie Redmayne wins for "The Theory of Everything."
He says he spent the whole night trying not to glom onto the actors he's spent his life admiring, and apologizes to Robert Duvall, saying he hasn't been entirely successful at not glomming. He thanks his subject Stephen Hawking, noting how he's managed to live a full life with humor despite his disease. He notes that he and his wife had to cut their honeymoon short to come to LA and he thanks the HFPA for giving them a night at the end of the honeymoon to remember.
Then, without further ado, Meryl Streep is out to present best picture, drama. The Globe goes to "Boyhood".
A producer says some nice stuff about director Richard Linklater and we're done!
Margaret Cho the angry North Korean comes out with Tina and Amy to announce: "Show over. I host next year. Good night."