Be honest with everyone: you don't watch Heroes or Heroes Reborn for the plot, writing, acting, directing, cinematography, art design, score, character development, costuming, opening titles, closing credits, makeup, gaffing, best boys, sound editing, or catering, you watch it because you want to see people show off superpowers on a network television budget. Well I got you covered!
Let's meet all the superpeople that appeared in the two-hour premiere along with .GIFs—the animated kind because I like you—of their powers in action, without any of that middling plot to get in the way of things. To the good stuff!
The Incredible Transforming Interpretive Dance Machine
Party trick: Can change appearances, dance like a Burning Man flunk-out.
The best thing about the Incredible Transforming Interpretive Dance Machine is that he/she knows his/her New Age dance routine is so embarrassing that he/she has to transform into other people so as not to be actually recognized as the goofy dancer in his/her true form. This is a really great power used in the absolute lamest possible way.
The Amazing Invisible Asshole
Party trick: He can become visible when it's the most rude time to do so.
The worst thing anyone with the power of invisibility can do is become visible right in front of someone as they're walking, and look at this punk-ass jerk. Not only was he wearing one of those terrible beanie hats AND sporting a goatee, but he didn't even say sorry when he cut off that woman with the gross sunglasses (why is everyone dressed like someone I want to punch?) and acted like it was her fault. This man was worse than whoever caused 6/13. Go speed off in your invisible Camaro and wrap it around a very visible telephone pole, you selfish bro dude.
Party trick: He can pretend to be a balloon.
He can float. Whoop-dee-doo. Give us a call when dad twists him into a balloon animal.
Flying Chinese Guy
Party trick: As the name says, he can fly! But maybe only in a straight line?
FCG was chained to a weight to keep him grounded, but when the mean Chinese government showed up to haul him away, he sawed his thumb off and zoomed into the atmosphere like a baking soda rocket! He better be super-resistant to cold and pressure too, because miles above the Earth he'll turn into a popsicle or his insides will push out with such force that he'll explode. You gotta know these things when you can fly. With great power comes great responsibility to learn the physics of atmospheric pressure.
Party trick: He can zap things into nothingness with the palm of his hand!
Tommy, one of the principal characters of Heroes Reborn, can wink people out of existence with a well-placed palm gesture in his target's general direction. But the disappeared don't go to some fifteenth dimension invisible to our third-dimension eyes, they go to wherever Tommy was thinking of when he placed the zap order, which means all these things and people that got warped away are probably in his crush's boobs. In other words, don't f*ck with Tommy.
The Senile Speedster
Party trick: He can run extremely fast... but only in circles!
When Luke and Joanna came to kill an underground meeting of Evos, the Senile Speedster sprang into action and screamed while running in circles at hyperspeed near the snack table. Unfortunately, Joanna exploited his weakness: bullets.
Fire Hands Freddy
Party trick: Can conjure a fireball in his hands, make kids run laps.
Fire Hands Freddy was a P.E. teacher at Tommy's school. This wasn't important in any way, but I thought I would throw that detail in here because the show did and so I could make that kids run laps "joke." At one point, he shot some sort of sonic blast, and maybe he was going to turn Luke into doner kebab in the .GIF above, but all we got to see was him create fire between his hands. This is a great skill for starting barbecues, but not great for combat. Like several other Evos, his main weakness was a bullet shot from a gun. Also good on Luke for toting around a fire extinguisher everywhere he went, you never know when you're going to go mano y mano with someone who has fire hands.
Dr. Heads and Mr. Tails
Party trick: He can spin pennies and make people forget stuff, and he has the superstrength to carry a briefcase chock full of pennies because you know that has to be pretty heavy. I have 67 cents in my pocket and I'm limping all over the place.
My theory (which is absolutely wrong) is that this guy picked up every penny he found his entire life for good luck and now he's so lucky he can get anything he wants, even erasing the memories of people he doesn't want blabbering on about certain details of things. But the Heroes wiki says he can take people's memories and store them in inanimate objects. I like my theory better because the wiki's explanation might be one of the worst powers I've ever heard of. If that were my power, I would beg for it to be taken away because pennies are gross and filthy and whenever I went to a superhero convention I would have to explain my superpower or write it on my name tag and that would just be too shameful. Also, the Heroes wiki says his name is Caspar Abraham, which is another reason to ignore the wiki because that name is silly.
Party trick: He can poorly imitate Batman and ruin parked cars.
In Spanish, "El Vengador" (*actual name in the show) means "one who jumps onto cars," and here you can see him in action. El Vengador can also fight pretty well, but really, all he's here for is to win first place in the Dark Knight-era Batman impersonator contest. He's also dead, as an ambush was set up for him to take advantage of his only known weakness: bullets (lotta Evos allergic to bullets in this show). Will his brother Carlos put on the mask of El Vengador and take on the responsibility of seeing that no parked car goes unjumped on? Find out on the next episode of Heroes Reborn or just Bing it on Friday morning.
Juanny Soft Hands
Party trick: He can pass his hands through solid objects, but it ain't easy.
Jesus, does everyone in this show have f*cking powers? This random kid can put his hands into Spanish-style roof tiles, maybe other things too, but honestly it looks like it's too much effort to do so. What a pain. I mean, he actually grimaces while doing it. No thanks. Too much work. This power blows.
Party trick: By unsheathing a sword, she can enter a video game! That's it. This was an actual thing that made it through a writers' room.
Miko Otomo can unsheathe a sword and then go into a video game, where she enters God mode and beats the crap out of a bunch of Level 1 enemies. Is that a real power or just an embarrassing thing that happens that no one should know about? Guess what, lady? I can do the same thing, it's called an Oculus Rift. You know what will be a real power? Getting this superpower and Miko's story to dovetail nicely into the rest of the show.
Party trick: He's so handsome! Also he can interact with objects without touching them, but boy is he good looking! My knees are wobbly!
This walking Ken doll got busted rigging craps games in a private casino, and then almost murdered a pretty redhead by throwing her against the wall with a Darth Vader force choke. I like this guy; he uses his powers to be a total A-hole and has no qualms about it because he can just be handsome and get away with it. I relate to him. Besides, if you had the power of telekinesis and didn't immediately go to the nearest casino then you don't deserve the power of telekinesis. Go be a rich recluse with a utility belt or talk to fishes, you lame-o.
Party trick: Big-time vaper.
This priest can turn into a cloud and he's still a man of the cloth? Wouldn't the first time you turned into a plume of smoke say to yourself, "Welp, God isn't real," and then spend the next few weeks jumping out of bongs and scaring stoners? I sure as heck wouldn't spend my days sitting in an overground coffin listening to people cry about dumb stuff they did.
Party trick: Can turn fastening hardware into solid 24-carat gold.
You could tell this Evo wasn't going to be important at all because her power was pretty boring. Her payment for getting on board the Evo underground railroad was to turn a metal socket into a solid-gold socket, and it's like, THANKS LADY but maybe ask before you touch that guy's tools? And great, he has a golden socket, but he'll have to cash that in just to buy a replacement socket because they only sell that one in the full set. Put a little more thought into your gifts, Ms. Midas, you can't just grab the nearest knick knack and do your metallurgy on it.
The Red White Pages
Party trick: She can like, find people or something?
Molly Walker from the original Heroes is all grown up and her power is stealing my heart. But she can also find Evos really easily, I think. I don't know. You would assume the show would not go back to the Heroes plot of making Molly Walker the most valuable Evo because she can locate people with powers, but it did in Heroes Reborn, because this reboot is the same show all over again and it never had any original ideas to begin with.
Which of these superpowers would you like the most? Which would you least enjoy being stuck with?