And then there were three -- well, four if you count Dylan (Wes Bentley).
At the top of Roanoke's penultimate hour, the cast of Return to Roanoke had been reduced to Audrey (Sarah Paulson), Lee (Adina Porter) and Monet (Angela Bassett). Having gotten separated, Monet was recaptured by the Polks, while Audrey and Lee decided to return to the Polks in order to destroy the incriminating video footage showing Audrey killing Mama Polk and Lee confessing to Mason's murder. But before this unlikely duo could set off from the Shaker mansion, they were met by Dylan, the actor who played Ambrose in My Roanoke Nightmare and who had been hired by Sidney (Cheyenne Jackson) to harass the reality show cast dressed as Piggy Man.
But -- as expected -- not every member of this quartet made it out of this week's episode alive.
While Dylan made quite the comical first impression with his woeful ignorance and pig mask, American Horror Story fans should know better than to judge anyone that quickly. As soon as Audrey and Lee explain that the ghosts and murders are real, Dylan doesn't waste time before putting his military training to use and launching a mission to rescue Monet and get them all to safety.
Unfortunately for him, the mission proves fatal for Dylan (we hardly knew ye), but Audrey does manage to get Monet out of the Polks' farmhouse of horrors and back to the mansion. There, the two realize Lee has gone AWOL. Audrey muses that Lee must be dead since she would never disappear without the tape from the Polks, which she managed to nab in the escape. Her curiosity peaked, Monet decides to press play on the tape and they discover Lee's full confession.
Not far from this murder and mayhem, a trio of Blair Witch wannabes (including Taissa Farmiga and Jacob Artist) are lurking around these same woods in hopes that a pic of the Shaker mansion during the Blood Moon will nab them major Instagram likes.
As any doorbell head could predict, this plan goes terribly wrong and before you know it, this group of selfie stick-armed thirst traps are stumbling upon an IRL dead body (Diana's to be exact). In a very non-horror movie move, the trio (whose character names I refuse to learn) actually go to the cops right away and tell them about the dead body in the woods -- not that there was any proof when the cops later arrive on the scene.
Determined to prove their story, the trio decide to return to the the woods. But before they can snap any more sweet 'grams, they discover the missing Lee, who just so happened to have recently gobbled up a pig heart gifted to her by Scathach.
Now a full-blown evildoer (or has she been this whole time?), Lee decides to up her body count and kills Jacob Artist. Lee then moves on to the Shaker mansion, where -- not realizing Lee's basically the new Butcher -- Monet and Audrey allow her inside right away. But Lee doesn't bother to hide the truth for long, throwing Monet down the spiral staircase and cleaving Audrey in the shoulder before throwing her into the cellar.
Realizing the ghosts are real, Taissa Farmiga and the Other Guy decide that it's up to them -- amateur ghost hunters/bobo Instagram stars -- to save their favorite actresses from being murdered by evil, ancient spirits. And so they creep up to the Shaker mansion in the hopes of being heroes, not knowing they're too late to do anything but walk directly into the Butcher's traditional disembowling ceremony on the front lawn.
Following Taissa Farmiga and Other Guy's quick capture by the Butcher, onscreen text informs us that the following footage is raw, unedited and extremely graphic video taken from Allan Connors' iCloud account. Who is Allan Connors? No clue. But the footage shows Taissa Farmiga and Other Guy being staked and burned to death by Lee, the Butcher and her crew.
The following day, the cops finally arrive and discover all the corpses and a very much alive Lee, who begs for them to help her. But just when Lee begins to think she's gotten away with everything, the cops also find Audrey, who grabs a cop's gun and attempts to kill Lee. Too bad for Audrey, the other cops are quicker draws and they fatally shoot her before she can do any damage to the real murderer.
The American Horror Story: Roanoke finale airs Wednesdays at 10/9c on FX.